Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A broken hearted

This is for the broken hearted. I know how's the feeling. Empty, betrayed, and no happiness whatsoever. I don't want to laugh, because i know it's not going to help, but i don't want to cry, because it will just make me feel worse. 
I feel like my heart is falling apart, but not only that, i know soon your life is going to feel like it's falling apart too even not bcoz of me. I hope that i don't think it will ever end, and no matter what this person has done to me, it feels impossible to stop loving him. And everyone wonders why if he have hurt me so much, then why do i still love him? That's the confusing part, i really don't know why, i just do, and the people who hurt me the most, are normally the ones i love the most.
 And then, after a few weeks, i finally feel a sense of relief, like i'm getting happy again, but i know inside that i'm just going into denial. And after a few more weeks, i'm back to where to an empty soul and teary eyes. 
I thought i'll got over him, but really, he just stopped showing it. And i can't help but to show it again. It leaves deep scars on my heart that are there forever. And no one understands how i feel, and how deep i'm hurt, no matter who they are, because it hasn't happened to them and even if it has, every broken heart is different. 
He don't know the true pain i feel and carry each and everyday now, so i learn that basically i'm are all alone with all this. And the feeling starts to overwhelm me, and suddenly i just break down, right there, because i know i've had enough, the tears just instantly start flowing, and i'm to the point where i don't care who see's. Because i've spent so many nights lying awake in bed, and so many days being haunted by the scars and fear of rejection. 
And in the midst of all these tears, i know that its not helping any, and it's not going to bring him back, if i ever even had him in the first place. After about a million tears have been cried, i'm trying to pull myself back together and keep going. My throat starts to clench and my eyes burn with the tears i'm trying to hold back. Everyone says, "It will be okay…” But you know it won't. And that’s the truth, it won’t. And i look back on all of the hurt i had from this, and i realize that people are horrible. I'm still hurt, but i've learned to hide it so that everyone thinks i'm okay. So now every time i see this person, i know i still love him, and i feel a slight tingle in my heart yearning for him to love me back, screaming out, but for some reason he won't and don't hear it. And then i sit back and wonder how one person could have caused all of this........
I really mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all... for not hating you which I know I should... but I can't. Why you didn't appreciate of what all i've done?? 

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